Why Can't I Orgasm?
You have high anxiety.
Anxiety can cause intrusive thoughts that may make it difficult to orgasm. In fact, a recent survey from Valparaiso University in Indiana showed that more than half of women who struggle to orgasm attribute the problem to anxiety.
Plus, because of the complex nature of the condition, other hangups can be heightened during sex, causing a vicious cycle of worry and frustration. "Women with a negative body image tended to also report stress and anxiety," Dr. Brenner writes in Psychology Today. If you feel that anxiety may be playing a role in your sex life, talk to a therapist.
You're not tensing your muscles.
Women who have trouble reaching orgasm are almost always told to "just relax. But that can be the wrong approach.
Muscle tension is often necessary for an orgasm. The majority of women learn to have their first orgasm by incorporating a fair amount of leg, abdominal, and buttock tension." Weston also recommends contracting your lower pelvic muscles — the same ones you engage for kegle exercises.
You don't have enough lubrication.
The Valparaiso University survey also indicated that nearly a quarter of women who had difficulty reaching orgasm blamed insufficient lubrication. "Lubricant makes women’s (and men’s) genitals more erotically sensitive, so it helps women have orgasms. Lubes are available drugstores and online.
There's too much stimulation.
"Pornography is how most of us learn about sex," writes sexuality coach Blaire Lindsay. "It’s also hilariously ignorant of what actually feels good for women.
The notion that harder and faster is equivalent to better is often the commonly held belief. But orgasms are directly linked to women's nervous systems, and with each woman being wired differently, many require a softer approach.
You haven't tried toys yet.
Some women may not feel comfortable using sex toys, but they can greatly enhance your sexual experiences and may help you achieve orgasm if you're having trouble.
According to a 2017 study in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, nearly 40 percent of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. In fact, some women need the intense stimulation only vibrators can provide. Start with something small, like a bullet vibrator, then check out this guide if you feel like exploring.
You don't masturbate.
How often you pleasure yourself can directly affect your chances of reaching orgasm when you're with your partner?
A woman's ability to fantasize and use her imagination during masturbation can help her unleash her creative inhibitions in bed, and it helps her learn exactly how and where she likes to be touched. To increase your chances of achieving orgasm with a partner, it is recommended masturbating a few times a week.
You don't tell your partner what you want.
You're not a mind reader, and neither is your partner. So staying silent about what really turns you on isn't going to help you climax. Plus, every woman is shaped slightly different, so movements and angles that feel amazing for one person just don't do it for another.
The lesson here: speak up. "Sometimes a groan or a touch of the hand can make all of the difference," she says. If they still don't get it, tell them directly, or move their hand exactly where you want it. Most consider it a huge turn-on to see a woman so confident in bed.
You forgot to pee before sex.
Everyone knows to pee right after sex to help prevent a urinary tract infection, but it's smart to go beforehand too. It can be incredibly hard to reach orgasm when your bladder is full.
The reason is simple: Instead of being in the moment, you're constantly feeling the pressure to pee, and praying you don't do it in bed. If there's no way you're going to make it to the end, slipping out of bed to dim the lights, lighting a candle, and encouraging your partner to masturbate while you take a quick pee break.
Your medication is interfering.
You know that little paper packet that lists the side effects of your medication? Actually read it, as drugs that cause a spike in prolactin levels — a protein that reduces libido — could be the culprit behind your inability to climax. Typically, blood pressure medications, birth control pills, and antidepressants are the main culprits.
Antihistamines may also work against you because they can reduce your ability to self-lubricate and make sex comfortable. If that's the case, make sure you have plenty of lubricant and talk to your doctor about a possible medication switch if problems persist.
You spend most of the day sitting.
Chaining yourself to that desk chair may make your boss happy, but it's bad news for your pelvic muscles.
Sitting all day shortens them, and that can lead to pelvic pain that makes it more difficult to orgasm. To prevent problems, she suggests setting an alarm as a reminder to move every half-hour to hour during the work day. Able to slip into a private office or conference room? Stretch your hip flexors with back bends, squats, and butterfly stretches.
You're afraid to lose control.
When you're taught to be in control of every aspect of your life, it can be tough to do the exact opposite in bed. But refusing to let go could be the reason you're unable to orgasm because, well, orgasms tend to take over as they move throughout your body. But if just the thought of that gives you heart palpitations, don't freak out — you don't lose complete control over your body.
At most, your body may shake and your vaginal wall muscles contract. Remind yourself of that when you're in the moment, and as sensations start to build, keep breathing and try to let your body go with it. If you feel like you still need help letting go, talking with a sex therapist may help.
You don't make noise.
Being vocal during sex has been proven to work wonders for women, as it can allow you to orgasm longer, harder, and more often. So when something really turns you on, say it — whether it's through a moan, quietly saying "right there," or screaming "yes!"
If that feels uncomfortable after a few tries,take in the feeling of skin-to-skin contact; enjoy the pressure of your partner's body pressing down on yours. Embracing these sensations will help you tune out the world and focus on maximizing your experience.
Your oxytocin levels are too low.
Oxytocin, nicknamed the "feel good" or "love" hormone, goes hand-in-hand with orgasms. If your body isn't producing enough of it, climaxing can be more difficult. Stress can be a major reason for low oxytocin production, but spending more time with your partner, looking into their eyes, holding hands, and kissing have all been proven to boost production of the hormone.
Have a furry friend? Researchers believe that cuddling with a pet also prompts the release of oxytocin.
You wear high heels.
Not only are sky-high heels just plain painful to walk in, but wearing them can also have deforming effects on your psoas muscles, which connect with muscles and nerves that lead to your pelvic floor, genitalia, and related organs, When your psoas muscles are sticky and tense due to prolonged high heel wear, they can't transmit the arousal message necessary for orgasm.
Avoid wearing them as much as possible, opting for more comfortable, supportive footwear instead.
You don't drink enough water.
Drinking water throughout the day can prevent everyday health problems like fatigue and constipation, and it can also help you climax in the bedroom.
The arousal tissue that extends into the connective tissue system needs to slide and glide in order to work its O-inducing magic, and it can't do that without fluid, she explains. The easiest way to ensure that happens is to be hydrated, so down an extra glass or two, especially if you've had cocktails, as alcohol is dehydrating.